So it finally happened. Between the time of my last post and this one, I experienced my first relationship ever. It lasted about 5 months. For my first boyfriend, J was wonderful. He treated me right, respected my values, and made me feel so special. And he was adorable. In the end, I just decided I was more in love with the relationship than with J himself.
Breaking up with him was one of the hardest conversations I have probably ever had, and it involved a lot of crying on his futon and struggling to get the words out. You see, I didn't have any silly reasons to blame it on. I'm serious when I say he did nothing wrong for me to want to end it. And I wanted to be completely honest with him. So I told him that I just never saw us lasting forever and that the feelings really weren't there, at least for me. And we talked it out, and I cried some more, and then I had to run off to a meeting. And that was that.
But we decided we wanted to stay friends, and not like the "We can still be friends, right?" line that many people use during breakups. Like, I still want him in my life. He's an awesome person, and I want him to be happy, and I know there's someone out there that will love him as much as he loved me. That person just isn't me. There's no reason I should have to completely cut him out of my life though, right?
Well, that's what I was hoping, and we gave each other some space for a bit. Then we went back to our daily workout together. I started eating dinner with him and his roommates again. It wasn't too weird. And then he started telling me about this girl that he had a date with. And at this point he's gone on 3 dates with her. The first time he mentioned it he was like, "I know people typically don't tell their exes this, but they tell their friends, and you're my friend, so…" and he proceeded to talk about how wonderful and amazing this new girl was.
Like I said, I really want him to be happy, but it's also only been 3 weeks since we ended our 5 month relationship. Hearing him talk about this girl kills me. I am so sad because I was always the girl that he said was so wonderful and amazing. I thought I would move on easily since it was me deciding to end the relationship. I figured he would take longer to come around and want to be friends. Boy, was I completely wrong. Here I am, happy to not be misleading him in a relationship I didn't feel right in, but sad thinking that this guy, the first guy who ever thought twice about me, who was so in love that I felt terrible breaking his heart, has already completely moved on.
Maybe it's cocky of me to think that he should still be hung up on me. Maybe I completely misread the signs and he wasn't as into our relationship as I thought. Maybe it was a mistake to stay friends and have this constant reminder of what once was. Maybe I have over thought everything. All I know is that I am a heartbroken girl, like many others before me, and I'm waiting for the day that I will truly feel okay. I want to be friends with J, really. But maybe not today.
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